Dark Knight Returns Classics

by glantern

What’s up whiner babies? Ever noticed how everything you love is super lame? Yeah you probably didn’t, but that’s okay. Pointing out lameness is just one of the services we here at the FiQ provide. We’re also much better than you at life(suck it).

img_9433So Superman’s a character from 1938. You know what else was from 1938? World War II. See the parallels? Yeah, that’s probably why the characters totally blows. You read that right; he blows. And not in the super breath sort of way. You know who’s a lot better? Batman. Batman is the raddest. In a fight between Batman and Superman, Batman always wins, because Superman is stupid, and everyone knows it. Don’t believe us? Just ask Lex Luthor. Self-made billionaire philanthropist. Smartest guy in the world. Doesn’t like Stupidman. You know who else is a billionaire philanthropist? Batman. Batman beats Sheepherderman. You can’t argue. Boom. Lawyered.

Last week saw the release of Batman v Superman: Batman Powns Lameman. Here’s a newsflash; it’s the best comicbook movie ever made, at least since Man of Steel, which was another best movie ever made (suck it whiner babies! Heh, you don’t even have a comeback, cuz your whiner babies!) Some img_9437snot-nosed little babbies have complained about Suckerman killing people in the movie. Well, John McClane kills people all the time, and I don’t see anyone complaining. The dudes from those Star Wars are killing stuff right and left! Killing is a thing that pop-culture icons do. Just get over it! If you aren’t going to have the right opinion on these things, you shouldn’t even talk, you poop-faces.

Batman and Shaloobman are constantly fighting in the comics, because all the writers know that Batman always has to be kicking ass and taking names. The great Saint, Frank Miller, had the two fight in the greatest Batman story ever written, The Dark Knight Returns. And Shampooman got owned, as usual. With a nuclear bomb. Heh. Take that, ya dingus.

img_9439Shyamalanman kept his same old stupid costume for DKR, which is a shame. Why couldn’t Miller put this guy in something that didn’t totally eat goats? Probably cuz he’s supposed to be the dumbest of the dumb in the story. I mean, the idiot thinks he can fight Batman. Dumbo. Anyway, this costume is soooooooo cheesy. I mean, look at those shorts! Guy’s wearing underwear! On the outside! So dumb!

Hasbro’s new figure of Stoopkidman was made using parts from their previous DKR Batman figure (see? Batman one-ups this punk again!) The body is way chunky. Which is right for the character. Subparman musta started packin’ back the donuts after his dumb reporter girlfriend kicked the bucket, cuz there’s a whole lot of him to be had in DKR. There’s twice the lame to go around!

img_9435Sacrilegeman has a cape, pelvis, boots, and head that are new to this  figure. The sculpts are definitely of the sculpted variety. The figure also has some paint for the not sculpted details.

Salaciuscrumbman comes with an arrow that was fired at him by Green Arrow. The tip is Kryptonite. Yeah this guy is allergic to a rock. No wonder he’s so lame. Bet he can’t even go outside.

We’re quite confident that this figure should have come out a couple of years ago, when the Batman figure was released. Guess he was too intimidated to follow a real hero, so we had to wait. The figure is alright, but Subcutaniousfraudman sure isn’t.

Wait, this doesn’t seem quite in character for me, does it?  Yep, you just got April Fools’d!  Check out my real review here!