TRANSFORMING BRUCE WAYNE
BATMAN FOREVER (1995)
Today I’m making a return to the line that started these wacky-tacky reviews. It’s more Batman Forever, but like another variant of that main guy. Dig it.
THE FIGURE ITSELF
Tansforming Bruce Wayne is another Batman Forever figure. He’s batman but when he’s not Batman. Also he’s Val Kilmer because it was the ’90s, but not the early ’90s when he was Michael Keaton or the late ’90s when he was George Clooney (yuck, don’t make me think about it, dudes). He could transform into Batman with armor, most of which is still present, because instead of loosing the armor, silly child Ethan lost the whole darn figure. Silly child Ethan. Such a child. I got another one but I gotta wait til the next section for that.
THE ME HALF OF THE EQUATION
It all started when I was born. As a child of the ’90s I became a part of a society that fully embraced Val Kilmer and we made him Batman. We did that, people. Think of it and weep. As the constructs of walking and talking and collecting formed in my mind, Kilmer rang out, jumping from the shelf of that service merchandise, calling to me. Buy me Val Kilmer said, and I was sore afraid. So I bought him. Well, my parents did. And I saw that it was great. But no it wasn’t great. It was Val Kilmer. And so silly child Ethan FLUNG him to the far corners of the Earth, never to be found again. That showed him. But then he came back. Oh dear. Here he is. Being reviewed. That’s pretty much it…
(Oh gosh, did we leap through some sort of time warp, because it’s feeling real 2013 up in here…nah, it’s just April Fool’s Day. Got ya?)
This review originally ran alongside a radically changed front page, which included altered “Year One” style photos for the other nine reviews displayed there on the day. They’re archived below. Click to go through to the actual reviews, featuring photos that don’t suck!
I also did actually take proper modern style versions of the Bruce Wayne photos, which I’ll go ahead and throw in here as well, as a fun little extra feature!