Wolfenstein II: New Colossus – A Video Game Review

In an industry just over 40 years old, we have finally reached the point in gaming where character models actually resemble people and game controllers feature more buttons than the number friends I have, it would make sense that we could focus on developing story and gameplay beyond our wildest imaginations. Games today could have branching stories and invest us in the character’s background and with the leg up on film or TV through the interactivity. Or they could innovate with new types of gameplay and create new genres to really make the general public treat video games with the same respect as they treat movies. Or a literal cup and mug could make a pact with the ACTUAL DEVIL and then have to gangster-snap a carrot to death to take its soul back.

*despair intensifies*

Fear not, though, as Wolfenstein: The New Colossus seeks to remedy my despair. With amazing cinematography and thrilling gameplay, this sequel to The New Order keeps up appearances for the game’s inevitable conclusion via the third game obviously going to be named Wolfenstein: The New Shadowcat. Who knew Fox would make a Wolfenstein game? Does that mean Disney owns it? Does that mean B.J. Blazkowicz is a Disney Princess?



The Story In Summary

As always, you are still William Joseph Blazkowicz. You have survived what was thought to be your death(again) via severe surgery and some good sleep(again). You awake a few months after the last game ended and start your journey wheelchair bound with pistol in hand. Eventually you gain a power suit from your ex-friend Caroline who has suffered a fresh King Louis and your bomber jacket has these big ole holes in it. (Like, from the power suit. Obviously a jacket has holes in it. How else would you put it on?) You may think Terror-Billy is perfectly fine, but your health only goes up to 50 for the first half of the game. You suffer through the pain just enough to go through a 1950s dream town Roswell to plant a nuke to blow up, you guessed it, Nazis. You drive away just in time, but the you get caught by the main antagonist of the game, Frau Engel. You are put on trial for war crimes and immediately sentenced to join eating cake with King Louis. You legit get beheaded and think you’re dead, but obviously SCIENCE occurs and your head is saved. Your melon is attached to a Chris Evans pottery class project and now B.J. is back to 100 health. The rest of the game increases the Nazi killing Zehn-fold and B.J. eventually knifes the heck out of Frau Engel. It ends patriotically and lovingly as you propose to Anya, your long time steady. That’s the story in a nutshell. Plenty more happens in this game and some might consider it too much. One of those some is me!

The Me Half of the Story Equation

This game has a story that is really really really trying to be good. I want it to succeed, but can’t help but say that the story of this game is its weakest area. While much caries over from The New Order, it almost feels like the writers wanted you to be able to play TNC without playing TNO which you shouldn’t do. These are supposed to be episodic and I don’t get why they felt the need to introduce so many plot lines in this game as if they were always there because they weren’t. I feel like the lack of J in this campaign really spelled out what was wrong with the side characters(aside from Fergus and Wyatt): none of them had really any personality. I especially noticed the side plot between Sigrund and Bombate pointing out as my biggest “Wait where did that come from?” The subplot concerning B.J.’s parents was really weak and introduced a lot of filler and bland storytelling aspects that only kept me from actually playing the game. The ending to the father storyline is completely underwhelming and trivializes what could’ve been a non-Nazi struggle in B.J.’s life into another “it’s all the Nazi’s fault” trope. The subplots really make this game look thematically weak which is unfortunate. The main story between Frau Engel, Fergus/Wyatt, B.J., and Anya* is enjoyable and moving. When this game focused on why it was fighting the Nazis instead of how it really shined and made me have fun being happy and happy to have fun. I hope the third game fixes these short changed plot lines because underneath all that mess is a game with a whole mess of heart.

*Anya gets the most badass moment in the whole game. Prepare.

Sorry to beat up on the game, but the praise is coming.

The Design In Question

Many said when The New Colossus was released that Bethesda didn’t shake anything up and that the setting formula was no different. I can’t outright disagree. Yeah, you travel across the map underground, on a train, and even to other celestial objects and shoot stuff and plant bombs and steal papers: it’s the same schtick. They’re right. However, where the word “Order” in the first game’s title is fitting to its universal grim aesthetic, The New Colossus plays around with the venir and creates a different essence in each level. A character like J in The New Order wouldn’t work in The New Colossus because TNC fully embraces the 1960s vibe or haze, if you will. First off, the sheer amount of collectibles in each level is stunning. Like the last game you can collect records you can actually listen to in the game, but you can also collect toys and gold as well as star cards which are drawings of famous entertainers and other German elite. These kinds of collectibles would be out of place and easy to spot in the dark and gloomy film tape of The New Order, but blend into the scenery in The New Colossus.  When you go to Roswell, it’s a 1950s dream town (if the dreams featured the literal KKK) wherein you act as a friendly firefighter carrying an extinguisher encasing a nuclear warhead. This scenery is bright and happy, despite your weaponry and their white supremacy. This deeply contrasts with your trip to Mesquite, Texas just after you blow Roswell the hell up. Mesquite is dusty and tan and rundown. Then you get back to the industrial but very personalized submarine you call home, the Eva’s Hammer to be told you have to fly to Venus to audition in front of Adolf Hitler for the lead role in a movie about you since they think you’re dead. Venus is, obviously, hot and blazing, but the insides are reminiscent of 1950s and 1960s science fiction bases. Each of these settings is a different flavor. TL;DR: The New Order is like passion-suppressing corn flakes in water where The New Colossus is like those cereal value packs where each cereal gets its own box.

The Gameplay In Question

On the subject of gameplay which is this game’s strongest aspect, I couldn’t put the controller down. I had a lot of trouble with The New Order when it came to the mesh between stealth and combat. I died non-stop and felt cheated nearly every time because the stealth mechanics were terrible. In this game, they’ve intertwined much better and make both stealth and combat seem like viable options at all times in the game. B.J. feels faster and leaner in this game once you get your new body. I would replay missions just for the heck of it because I love how Terror-Billy feels when he runs and shoots. This game lets the player decide when it goes from slow to fast and I adore being given that choice. This game fixed my biggest problem with TNO and I’m very grateful. This game features new tech for B.J. to strap to himself including ram shackles, which allow B.J. to run into people to kill them,  a battle walker, which allows you to double your height to gain a vantage point, and a compression harness, which allows you to compress your body under tight spaces. These all make the gameplay feel even fresher when the game is halfway done and come with their own upgrades that allow stuff like regenerative health and armor. This game when its about killing Nazis is 110% fun and I can’t get enough.

The Guns In Question

I’ll walk through each of the guns included with the figure and talk about how they were in the game.

The Machinepistole is a 9mm fully-automatic submachine gun. It’s the first gun B.J. gets in the game whilst battling à la wheel-chariot. This gun is your typical shooter submachine gun with three possible upgrades: a compressor, a nail gun attachment, and a drum magazine. I found this gun very easy to use in those areas where stealth could turn to combat as the compressor made headshotting enemies easy. I’d say this gun isn’t really worth much until you upgrade it, but I never stopped using it. I’d say I never ran out of ammo for this gun so you can trust it as a fallback gun above anything else.

The Schockhammer X is a buckshot automatic shotgun. I think this is the most “run and gun” weapon in the whole game. Someone peers out of the corner two feet in front of you and *BANG.* From distances more than ten feet, this gun is some weaksauce. But, that’s fine seeing as it’s a shotgun and you’re carrying a plethora of other such things. When B.J. is in the trains or any other tight squeeze, equip this gun. Even up against a heavy, this gun is fantastic at mowing any Nazi down in just a few shots. This gun has three upgrades: ricochet, which sends shrapnel flying all around after a shot, rotor, which allows for three shots to be fired with one trigger pull, and and extended magazine. Unlike the machinepistole, the schockhammer’s upgrades, to me, are really pointless and don’t help the gun do any more than it already does. I enjoy this gun a lot, but it is what it is: a dual-wieldable shotgun. Your mileage may vary.

The Laserkraftwerk is only available in the Reid Timeline. It’s very similar to the gun of the same name from the last game, but this is much more compact and powerful. This gun is a laser. It’s a laser. It takes a second to warm up, but it does some serious damage. Expect constant rumbling in your controller when firing this gun. The laserkraftwerk also works to melt metal plates in B.J’s way at various parts in the game. This gun works fine and is certainly cool looking, but functionally I didn’t really enjoy my time with it. There are three upgrades: enhanced scope, battery upgrade, and supercharge which kills a heavy in one shot. These upgrades do more than the schockhammer’s do, but not very much to make this gun fun. I much prefer the next and final gun in this package…

The Dieselkraftwerk is only available in the Wyatt Timeline. I think this is the most interesting and innovative gun in a series of extremely standard selections. It fires diesel-powered grenades that you can stick to just about anywhere and blow up anytime. I think this is a great weapon in both stealth and heavy fire as the ability to hold the detonator button down as you fire so the grenades explode on impact can essentially clear your screen. It is dope shooting a grenade on the back of a heavy causing his firepack to explode instantly killing him. If you detonate a regular Nazi they will go flying and actually get stuck about ten feet in the air, clipped into the wall. The Dieslekraftwek also helps B.J. traverse through metal plates and blast through holes in infrastructure. This gun comes with three upgrades: an ignition muzzle, which detonates the grenades as soon as they leave the barrel, supercharge, which fires five grenades in a row, and an extended barrel. The only thing  “bad” about this gun is that ammo can be incredibly scarce. Like with the Laserkraftwerk, there are charging stations placed randomly in the missions, but when you’re in a pinch they seem to disappear for a good half hour. Either way, this gun is my all-time favorite and I think this gun makes it worth playing the Wyatt storyline over the Fergus story. (Though you should still play both. They’re great stories that I won’t spoil here.)

The Overall

Overall, this game could’ve been better. It continues a great story of rebellion against Nazis and though topical right now, this game doesn’t get caught up in current politics. It remains true to the run and gun Nazi killing spree fans have loved for years while branching out and evolving extremely well and maturing for today’s audience. The story could use some work and maybe some of the guns could be a little more interesting, but like I said; I couldn’t put the controller down. This game is absolute fun from start to finish and a real-looker at that. This game hopefully seems to be the beginning of a new era in video game storytelling and I’m very behind Bethesda’s ultimate goal. I’d give this game a 7.5/10 only because I feel it banks too heavily on the success of the last game and feels a little closed in its world. Otherwise, please go buy this game and have as much fun as I did.

…. I’m still waiting for Wolverine and The Fastball Special DLC

Guest Review #0035: Zero Suit Samus




The following is a Guest Review from my brother Christian Wilson.  For more from Christian, check out his general randomness over at Throwing Crayons.

“Why does she look like she’s wearing Bayonetta shoes?”, “What the hell is that prosthetic leg attachment thing?” “Why is her hair in two pieces?”

All these questions will be answered (actually, probably not) in the next episode of SOAP!


Samus2Samus is your standard Amiibo with a Smash Bros base and the weird leg support thingy majiger. She stands at just over 4 inches tall including the base (3.75 excluding) with, what a shock, zero points of articulation. She has a very sleek blue paint job and her hair is pretty good for a $13 figure. I would say if any part makes the figure look off, it’s most likely either the gun or the boots. Their paint isn’t the most Fant4stic and, unfortunately, detracts from a great figure. Other than physically, she functions like any Amiibo, working in Smash as her character and I noticed that in Mario kart 8 she can be scanned in and be used to receive the regular Samus Mii costume, which since I missed out on the regular Samus Amiibo (when I bought this Amiibo) was pretty neat.


I love collecting Amiibo so I begged my mother to take me to the nearby GameStop. Unbeknown to me that was the day that wave 5 was released. I went in and looked at the wall of Amiibo and… I had all of them. At least until I saw Toad! I picked him up and went to check out when I saw 3 Zero Suit Samus Amiibo on the counter behind the checkout desk. I asked “Are those for sale?” And sure enough they were. I begrudgingly put Toad back and bought her in a heartbeat even though I wasn’t aware she was even released. Though she has her issues, she’s a really nice Amiibo and is definitely not my least favorite.

P.S. I did get a Toad later at the very same GameStop thanks to my brother. Love you bro.

P.S.S. Someone told me I should’ve bought all three Amiibo and sold 2 online. Sorry scalpers, I’m not living that life.

Guest Review #0027: Earthworm Jim




Hey guys!  The following is a Guest Review from my awesome brother Christian Wilson!  Take it away Christian…

This figure, like my review of Ash and Pikachu, is from a game I’ve never played. However, that won’t stop me! I now have all the systems (including the 360, since there was an HD Remake on the 360) to play Earthworm Jim, but whatever! I’ll get to it. You don’t own me…….

Let’s get on with the review.


EWJ2Jim was an earthworm from Earth, in case you got lost, and got a suit that gave him the ability to walk around and defeat baddies. Ya know, cuz Aliens™. Also, he could disconnect from the suit briefly to use his head (or the worm body) to whip as a platforming maneuver. That’s just…. Eugh! His backstory may be odd, but once it gets going it’s a pretty typical rescue Princess Whatsername from Evil Queen Slugforabutt (both actual names of the characters. Again, Eugh!) Now, knowing that interesting lore, the figure itself stands at just under 6 inches tall with 6 points of articulation. I have to say that the paint job is pretty spectacular. It really captures the essence of Jim (that sounds like a perfume). I bought him used so there are yellow stains which I can’t explain. Sounds creepy, right? The one I bought only came with his laser gun, which I looked up. The figures I’ve seen in-package had green accessories, but mine’s red. The Battle-Damaged Jim came with red accessories, but mine isn’t the battle-damaged Jim. Nonetheless, I prefer the red gun as it was the color of his original gun. Even though there is not comfortable way to put the gun in its “holster.” In that 90s style, and to keep up with what Jim actually can do in the game (Remember…..Eugh!?), there is a button on Jim’s backpack that makes his head shoot off. Very far. There’s almost no easy way of getting it off without having to go pick it up off of the floor. Otherwise, this is a really well done figure and he has a place on my shelf.

Yes, I too have a shelf. Though it’s smaller than Ethan’s. But then again I don’t have 2800+ action figures, so there.


As I said, I got this figure used, but I can’t remember where or when. Must’ve been recent, but I don’t know exactly. Even though I didn’t play the game(cause I wasn’t born then), I still love the figure because I love it when I get to have an action figure of a video game character. That just hits the spot. I’ll see you soon guys. DFTBA.

Guest Review #0012: Ash Ketchum & Pikachu




Hey guys!  The following is a Guest Review from my awesome brother Christian Wilson!  Take it away Christian…

Look….. Don’t hate me but….. I’ve never played Pokemon. I’ve wanted to, but never really found the interest. And it isn’t that I don’t have a way to play it, on the contrary, I have two systems that are capable of playing Pokemon, but I never cared enough about it. But nonetheless, this is REALLY COOL figure. So, like Ethan here’s my review of an action figure from a video game that I’ve never played.



Ash2Ash, or Sacha in French (but Ash in EVERY OTHER LANGUAGE), stands at 5 inches tall with 15 points of articulation. The one thing that really stands out to me is the amazing paint job on Ash. While writing this review I continued to look for ANY paint errors and I can’t find any. For only $20, that’s really cool to have a toy like this look so aesthetically pleasing. Another thing I find with a lot of Action figures is their inability to stand without long periods of me just screaming “No that’s not— No, No, No, TO THE LEFT” (I’m looking at you P-Body!). However, this is the case or Ash. While he has no foot articulation whatsoever, he stands very nicely and very easily. The only part of him that’s a bit difficult to deal with is his hands, as they are very loose in their joints and wiggle easily, but do not turn easily. Overall, Ash himself is very pleasing.

Ash comes with one accessory, a backpack, which on a scale of 1 to 10 of how easy it is to get on him, the backpack gets a resounding “Ehhh.” It’s a nice looking backpack. There’s not much else to say. Moving On, I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!


Pikachu (Still Pikachu in French, for some reason)is the lesser quality portion of this two-pack. Standing at 1 ¾” tall with 0 points of articulation, Pikachu looks great, but less so when you compare him to Ash(Pikachu’s a boy, right?). The red circles on his face aren’t all painted in and the ID number on his tail is very noticeable, but otherwise it’s a cool figure. Ash and Pikachu do go very well together, unless you try to stand them together, which leads me into a rant.

You may notice, on the top Ash’s backpack, a small hole. That hole is for putting Pikachu’s foot in and standing him on Ash’s shoulder. BUT THIS HARDLY EVER WORKS FOR ME!!! Ethan got it [I’m an action figure god!–Ethan], but most people who aren’t that great at standing up action figures will be tearing their hair out because if the frailness of Pikachu when he is ATOP Ash. As I said, they are otherwise great figures.


I bought this two-pack after eyeing it at my local comic book store for the past few weeks. I had the money and it was a cool action figure, so I grabbed it. Not much else to the story. These action figures do their franchise justice as I 1) Want to play a Pokemon game now and 2) Want to collect all the other Pokemon in this line of toys. Whelp, I’m done. Good Night Seattle, We love you!

Guest Review #0010: Wheatley and Turret



Wheatley1 Turret

HA! I knew someone was alive in there! Welcome back, everybody, to the final review of action figures in the Portal 2 series. It is a sad day, BUT also a great one! Today, I will be reviewing the small ones in the bunch, the Aperture Science Turret™ and the cuddly Wheatley (Pre-Machiavellian Transformation)!



TerretWilsonUp first is the Aperture Science Turret™ from NECA. These figure reviews have been released in order in which I received them, but since I got Wheatley the day of this review’s inception, Big Brother gave me the OK to do a review of both of them together. And since I got the Turret first (Or at the Same Time as Chell, because they were a joined birthday gift from Big Brother) he is up to be reviewed first!

Like I said before, this Turret is from the great minds at NECA! Many different incarnations of the Turret from Portal 2 have been made by other manufacturers, but this one is the cheapest, but one of the hardest to get. The Turrets were released in two waves (Open Turrets and Closed Turrets) with twelve different styles (The same styles, but, again, OPEN AND CLOSED). Here’s the catch though. You couldn’t buy what you wanted! You could buy either from wave one (closed) or wave Two (open), but they were bought at random for $6. This process of random figure buying is known as blind-boxing. This particular Turret is the plain, white, closed Turret from the 1st Wave of the Blind Box Turrets. This figure has NO articulation, but it doesn’t need any as, in the game, the Turrets can’t move on their own (except for their eyes, but that would be a very unnecessary and difficult articulation point). The paint job is perfect EXCEPT for the eye which has a little red run-off. Overall, for $6, this is a really great addition to my Portal 2 action figures and is really cool to pose and do stuff with.


WheatleyWilsonThis handsome son-of-a-gun is actually a KEYCHAIN/FLASHLIGHT. Yep. But he is in scale. So I bought him. DONE. In all seriousness, this is a VERY well-crafted figure. So here it goes.

Wheatley is an “intelligence” core that tries to help Chell escape from Aperture Science Laboratories in the video game Portal 2.  (SPOILERS AHEAD!!!) He later becomes the game’s second main antagonist and takes control of the facility only to be cast out into space. (SPOILERS OVER!!!) This figure was manufactured by ThinkGeek and retails for $8-10, but I snagged him for $6. Something about the number 6 is very relevant in Portal 2 Action FIgures….

This figure has an astounding 2 POINTS OF ARTICULATION and a blue LED Light for an eye. This figure also, like I said, acts as a keychain and a flashlight. Unlike the other characters in the Portal 2 series with LED Lights, Wheatley’s (because it is a flashlight) is VERY bright, as you can see below. The paint job is great and I can’t notice any blemishes. I really like this figure as a figure, but I wish there was an easier way to remove the keychain part.


I received these figures at different times. I got the Turret with Chell as a birthday gift from Big Bro and Wheatley off of ThinkGeek. I’ve wanted figures of both these characters for a long time and it is great to finally have them in my hands, EVEN WHEN THEY HAVE A GOSH DARN KEYCHAIN!!!

Guest Review #0009: Atlas





Hey guys!  The following is a Guest Review from my awesome brother Christian Wilson!  Take it away Christian…

Hello again! I’m back again for another action figure review because I’M OFF MY MEDICATION! This is Part Deux in the Deux Part series of action figure reviews about the Dynamic Robotic Duo, Atlas & P-Body! Today, I’ll be reviewing P-Body’s male counterpart, Atlas!


Atlas is the male robot, made by Aperture Laboratories, from the co-op portion of Portal 2 and works alongside P-Body. From our best boys at NECA, Atlas stands at about 7½ inches tall, just shorter than P-Body. Atlas boasts 15 points of articulation and has a blue LED light in his eye. This light, like with P-Body, is REALLY FREAKING BRIGHT! This figure is my favorite because of the design of the character. The ball (or head) moves side to side at 360 degrees and the figure is a lot stockier than P-Body, which make him easier to stand, so a lot less jimmying on this end. The paint job, like with P-Body, is fantastic and really brings the character to life (Ba dum Tshh!). The figure comes with no stand, but comes with his own personalized Portal Gun, with the colors of blue and purple in the game, but just purple here, because Chell’s Portal Gun was already blue-lit. The gun is the same model as Chell and P-Body’s, but has two blue lines along the top, which are a good paint job. Atlas does hold it pretty well, but it’ll take some work. The joints, for mine, took a while to ease up, especially in the wrists. So, I thought that he didn’t have any, until the Chief Executive [I guess I’m the Chief Executive — E] told me that he did. One of the problems I found with P-Body was the lack of good leg movement. Atlas does it better, but at the cost of having any shoulder articulation at all! This lack of articulation does stifle the fun a little for me but he is hindered TOO much by it.

WARNING: Like I said in my last review, these figures like to break A LOT. Luckily mine was from bigbadtoystore.com, and they guarantee not broken figures, which they do deliver (Ba dum tshh) However, I have seen other Atlases (Atlasi?) that have broken legs, so WATCH OUT!

AtlasWilson Atlas2


I kinda touched on this in my last review, but I didn’t get P-Body and Atlas at the same time. I got P-Body first because she wasn’t broken at Toys R Us. Both Atlases were so I didn’t want to waste my money. I ordered it when I got home, but then we went to the beach and I didn’t get to it until the week after. Still, IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT! Both Atlas and P-Body are fantastic figures and have been LONG in the making. NECA did a good job of making these figures so go and GET ‘EM!


Guest Review #0008: P-Body




Hey guys!  The following is a Guest Review from my awesome brother Christian Wilson!  Take it away Christian…

Hello, everybody! It’s me again! The brother of the big man upstairs (Ethan)! As these (P-Body AND Atlas) are my figures and they are from a game I played (and very much enjoyed), I’ll be reviewing these robotic buddies of friendship for you loyal 17 readers. Now, sit back and “HOLD ON TO YOUR BUTTS!”


P-BodyWilsonAs P-Body was the first figure I obtained (I’ll explain later), it’s only fitting that I review this strapping and tall robot buddy first!

P-Body and Atlas (who will be tomorrow’s review) are the co-op playable characters from the video game Portal 2 by Valve. She is the robot best-friend of his robot counterpart, Atlas, and her Portal Gun colors are Orange and Red. P-Body stands at about 8 inches tall with 17 points of articulation. The overall sculpt of the figure is all its own since this line is very limited and no two figures really use the same parts (maybe Atlas possibly uses the same parts, but if so, not many).The figure has one LED-Lit eye (that you may switch on and off at will) and it is really FREAKING bright! As she is very detailed as a robot with all the wiring and stuff, her articulation is strange. In the game, P-Body moves around with her legs a TON. So, you’d expect SOME leg articulation, but it is very limited. This lack of articulation in the leg department is also present in the other figure in this line, Chell. The paint, for a figure that only cost $25, is fantastic! It looks extremely aesthetically pleasing and represents his character greatly! The figure has one accessory, her personal Portal Gun! It is LED-Lit also, but only displays one color, Red. It is also well-painted, but a reuse of the Portal Gun belonging to Chell (the first figure in the line). P-Body needs some jimmying to get her to hold it, but she can! P-Body, unlike Chell, does not come with a stand. She can stand on her own, but again, it will take some jimmying.

WARNING! These figures like to break A LOT! Not beyond repair, but in the case of P-Body, mine’s right arm comes loose on a regular basis. This may not be the case of yours(if you choose to buy one after reading this review, already own one, or are from the FUTURE) but it is very much the case with mine. Still, I think this figure is WAY PAST COOL and I was and am excited to purchase and own her!


I got these very recently (The day before I wrote this review) at a Toys R Us in Glen Burnie. Both Atlas & P-Body were there, in fact TWO Atlas’s(Atlases? Atlasi?), but both were broken and would both need to be bought just to fix one. So I ordered Atlas immediately. Still wanting something to get, I got P-Body. I STILL AM IN LOVE WITH THIS FIGURE, but it would’ve been nice to have both. As these were delayed again and again, I was swooned away when I finally got at least one. Now we wait for Atlas.


Guest Review #0007: Chell




Hey guys!  The following is a Guest Review from my awesome brother Christian Wilson!  Take it away Christian…

Initiating Surprise in Three…..Two……One…. SUPRISE!!! EVERYONE GATHER ROUND! IT’S ME! THE SMALLER VERSION OF THE HEAD HONCHO(Ethan), CHRISTIAN! I, like Tim, LOVE video games. But, my upbringing on action figures, was not one of Video Game based action figures, it was a very similar upbringing to Ethan, as we are brothers. I don’t have as many action figures as Ethan nor am I as good at video games as Tim, I still have years of experience in both to combine them to create a lovely concoction. Still, I do love them video games equally as much as action figures. Moving On! As Portal 2(The game this figure is from) is one of my favorite video games of all time, it’s no surprise I would get the action figures. The first one I got is the one you see above, a girl named Chell.


ChellWilsonChell is the main protagonist in both Portal and Portal 2. She is the only human test subject left in all of the ruins of Aperture Science. She successfully escapes the Laboratory in Portal, but is brought back into the Lab by another Aperture Science robot. She then again tries to escape in Portal 2, but eventually is let go by the main robotic operator of the facility, GLADoS. Moving onto the figure, Chell stands at 7 inches tall, with 23 points of articulation (EVEN ONE IN HER PONYTAIL!). The paint job is quite fantastic (Although, there are reports of HORRIBLE face paints, but mine looks OK) and shows Chell from Portal 2, not Portal (There was a major redesign in the appearance of Chell between games). Also, her parts seem to be all newly sculpted and they really look well-sculpted. She comes with a Dual Handheld Portal Device, or Portal Gun for short. This Portal Gun has a blue LED Light and fits nicely in her hands. Also she comes with a stand, BECAUSE SHE CAN”T STAND FOR S**T! Since Chell comes equipped with “Long Fall Boots”(These were created by Aperture Science to stop Test Subjects suffering from fall damage and breaking valuable equipment) the design of them cuts off her standing ability almost entirely. So hold onto the stand, because she’ll need it.


Since the game is first person, Chell was not immediately recognizable. But I knew after the marvel that was Portal 2, I would need to get one of those figures. But, my BIG BRO got me Chell for my birthday and I was very pleased. She is a great figure and is up on my shelf to stay!